So scared of getting older/I'm only good at being young —JM

So I blogged sporadically 2 years ago during my internship and it was both an excellent way to blow off steam and its a joy to go back and read now. I have 6 months at SignWorld here in Auburn and I can tell that this is going to be an important transitional time in my life. I really want to chronicle what happens and how I grow over the next few months.

I'm gaining a whole new level of responsibility and although in many ways I still feel like a child I will be officially considered an adult. This job isn't glamorous and it might not be what I've dreamt for myself but I do believe its within God's will for me. I've never felt so comfortable with who I am and its exciting to see where I'll go from here. So here goes nothing. I'm going to rock the shit out of adulthood.

The Return of the Blog

I don't have any design classes this semester so I guess thats whats inspiring the spontaneous return to blogging. Not only do I have a severe surplus of time on my hands but my inner creative isn't being used much less challenged so there's room for a lot of creative outbursts waiting to happen. I also just haven't had anything blog-able in a long time but a lot of stuff has changed since the summer and I find it notable. 

I recently finished A.J. Jacobs' The Year of Living Biblically and I can tell you that it is one of the only books that has ever changed my life. I went into it skeptically because Jacobs is agnostic and his premise to live the Bible as literally as possible seemed offensive somehow. But several months ago my friend bought it and was raving about it; at the least I thought it sounded interesting so I read it. I thought the entire book was going to be Jacobs bashing the Bible and bashing religion and I expected to fight with him the whole way through but I found his year long journey through the Bible and his exploration of different religions beautiful and sincere. He approached the project with an open mind and allowed his heart to be open to God and in the end his life was changed. After his project was finished he went back to many of his old ways but he walked away with an understanding of a higher power and of love for your neighbor and of thanksgiving. In the beginning Jacobs found it difficult to pray to a God that he wasn't sure of but he found comfort in prayers of thanksgiving. After almost a year of routinely praying he finally felt the holy spirit. 

In the few weeks that it took me to read the book I really amped up my own prayers of thanksgiving. I've always taken comfort in prayers of thanksgiving as well. There are just so many things I want to thank God for and sometimes I worry I won't remember to thank Him later so I spend a lot of my day popping in on God thanking him for random things. The past few days have been one of those moments when life just smacks you like a Mack truck and you realize how awesome it is! I've realized that at this point last year how incredibly unhappy I was and how wonderfully happy I am now. The part that does make me sad is that I allowed my happiness to be controlled by other people. My poor relationship with two people effected my relationship with my friends, my boyfriend, and my feelings toward myself. I began to see myself like those two people did; I was dumb because I wasn't in Honors, I didn't have a credible major, I wasn't a respectable woman because I cooked microwave meals; I wasn't fashionable because I didn't value $300 jeans, and the list goes on. My self esteem suffered which hurt my relationship with my friends. I'm almost positive that I was not a joy to be around during that time. I also began to rely on Andrew incredibly too much. In my head he would fix everything so I went running to him any time something went wrong. Although I was leaving that living situation I wasn't sure that I would ever make a good friend or roommate. I was convinced that those two people had to have some kind of reasoning to think I was so awful so they must be right. 

Thankfully, I'm now in a new house with new roommates and I have loved every minute of it— except the ones involving Mose's litter box or basically anything else to do with Mose the cat. My roommates are the bomb and I don't think of myself through anyone else's eyes anymore. My friendships have improved and my relationship with Andrew is stronger now that I value myself and I'm not relying on him to build me up every day. Basically I'm immensely thankful! I'm thankful for every night I get to spend hanging out with my friends or roommates going out, playing games, or just watching tv. I'm thankful I have a place that feels like home.

Moral of the story kids? After my bad living experience last year I almost closed myself off completely. I was going to get a studio apartment and live by myself because I didn't want to risk having another awful experience. But I decided to open my heart one more time like A.J. Jacobs and I have been blessed beyond belief. It is amazing what God will give you if you open your heart to Him and give thanks for every blessing in your life, even the tiny ones. 

P.S. — Whats up Aimee! Shout out to my steady follower. Now quit playing snood and read the book.

Week 3 — the newness has worn off

I could never work in place like this for over 6 months. I would simply die from boredom. Or my giant ass would consume the rest of my body and I wouldn’t be able to get out of my cubicle to go home so I would eventually die right there in my cube, attached to my spinny chair. I know graphic designers work with computers — I’m not dumb I swear — I knew that going in to the major. I just thought there would be more human interaction or there would be an occasional reason to leave the cube to go run a paper from the printer to the filing cabinet or something. I’m much like my dad— I will never truly be happy until I’m running the whole business. I have that entrepreneurial spirit that can be masked but it will never really go away.  I honestly don’t know that I am equipped to run my own business, especially in graphic design. I don’t know that I am smart or savvy enough, and I am definitely not cutting edge enough. I also have a real problem with letting things roll off my back and giving in to other people. But, I know what I want in a business and I am not truly happy unless its my ideal business. Anyway, that was kind of a tangent. I don’t want to have a lot of money. I don’t even want to be the “top dog design firm”. I just want to design what I want to design and not settle for mediocre.

            I’m miserable right now. I enjoy the challenge of every catalog spread that I get and that’s what keeps me going but there is a limited creative process behind it. There is no time to do research, sketch, brainstorm, use elaborate photoshop techniques, or scan in personal illustrations. We look at the featured book, find a correlating image, try to make it flow as best as possible and move on. I have spent hours fighting with spreads trying to make them say something that they aren’t capable of saying. They aren’t deep editorial pieces. They aren’t thought provoking and they aren’t an expression of anyone’s emotion. They are there to sell a book. Period. I’m just now starting to wrap my mind around that and I guess that’s why I’m just now starting to have the fire for this internship sucked right out of me. I’ll remain positive of course. Every minute I practice on the computer is a minute well spent and any time I can observe one of the other designers or a pre-press person or even one of the in-house photographers will help. I just expected a miracle that would change me into some awesome designer and instead I got a smack in the face from a smelly, gray, stuffy cube that is on the fast track to nowhere special. 

Julie gets a drug test

I peed in a cup today. 

It was the first time I ever had to do such a thing and I pray to God it will be the last.

Week Two

Its is my second week at the Publishing House and the only way I can sum it up to be fair (and not hurt anyone’s feelings) is that there are good days and bad days. I’d much rather say that the work world is a bitch but I’m pretty sure that would be offensive so I will stick with my previous choice. I thought it would be magic and awesome and fun everyday but its not. I’m still set on graphic design and nothing can really break me of that I am just realizing that I will be very particular in choosing a design firm. (Of course when I say choosing that is in a perfect world where employees have their pick of jobs. If the economy stays like it is then I’ll grab whatever is thrown at me). I think what I dislike the most about working at the Publishing House is that I’m in the Marketing Department. Or maybe its that I’m in the Marketing Department for a religious publisher. There are so many rules. No barefooted kids. No Jesus on the cross. No Easter eggs. No Easter Baskets. No Christmas trees. No stockings. No tank tops. This kid doesn’t look happy enough. This kid looks too flirty. This woman isn’t Asian enough. Have you counted the African American people on this page? Have you balanced the number of boys and girls on this spread? 

I know that I will have to get used to pleasing the client over pleasing myself but there just seem to be an awful amount of restrictions. Other than image restrictions there are design restrictions that I find very formal and dated. They don’t reverse text. They don’t use light colors. They don’t waver from their 3 specified fonts (2 sans serif and 1 serif). All in all I’m learning more about the restrictions and procedures that come along with a corporate job than I am with design. We have approximately 10-12 people (copywriters, designers, advertising directors, etc.) on our side of the hall that have to see a catalog page or an ad before it ever gets routed elsewhere. And that’s someone’s job, too! Its someone’s job to route projects. And its someone’s job to make PDF’s. They sit at a computer and make PDF’s all day long and enter them into the system. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve learned a few neat design tricks along the way, too but most of it is this stuff. 

A Price to Pay

So apparently a lot of my friends are against blogging and advised me not to do this but here I am, "blogging" away. In a way I still think the whole thing is kind of silly, maybe a bit middle school, but I thought it would be a good way to reflect on things and to solidify thoughts and ideas. I tend to daydream in class and right when I start putting pieces together in my head it kind of crumbles and my attention is turned elsewhere. So maybe this will work- who knows. 

So one of the things I've been mulling around for years is the debate if humans are naturally good or evil creatures. I've had a lot of class discussions on the topic and talked with bunches of friends about their opinion on the subject and it always surprises me when people believe that humans are naturally evil. I find the lack of faith in the human race astonishing. Actually-its kind of like a lack of faith in the Creator Himself. Why people choose to believe that humans are naturally evil is beyond me but I do realize that there is a price to pay in trusting that we're all inherently good. 

Last fall, when I lived in my house on Samford, a guy knocked on my door and asked if he could rake the leaves in my front yard for some money. He said that he really needed the money for his family and I would be doing him a huge favor. I didn't really mind the leaves in the yard to be honest but I wanted to help him help himself. So I agreed and he started working. A little while later I brought him a glass of water, sat down and talked about his family, and payed him. He said he would be right back to finish raking and that he had to get the trash bags from his truck which he parked around the corner to put the leaves in. An hour later and still no sign of him. I sat down on my floor and cried not because I had such a stupid,  gullible moment or because he had stolen my money  but because I realized that I would always believe that people are good and that I would always get taken advantage of for that. I told a few of my close friends the story and they criticized me for being so dumb to believe his story. Now, yes, I have learned my lesson and I'll be more cautious about those types of situations but I refuse to be one of those people that assumes everyone is out to get me. People are afraid to walk through parking lots by themselves past sunset because the person that just got out of the car two rows over is probably a serial rapist or a murderer. No one will donate to the homeless on the side of the street because they'll probably just spend it on booze anyway. If you spend your whole life thinking of other people like that you will never be the one to shine God's light on anyone. People that think like that end up thinking that everyone is out to get them and no one can be trusted. It is a horrible, lonely, faithless way to live. I would rather be proven gullible and lose money every day for believing in the good of people than spend one hour with the opposite mindset.

So it sucks getting walked on, taken advantage of, constantly feeling vulnerable and gullible but Mother Teresa's quote is a constant reminder that these things are all manageable when you think about the eternal reward. No matter how hard you try at anything people are going to stomp on you but you should still try. I know that people will try to prove me wrong and show me a million examples of how people are evil but I'm just going to believe that they're good anyway.

"People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway." 

— Mother Teresa